Monthly Archives: November 2006

The Whys of our life

I just don’t know what to do, I am in such a helpless situation. I love too deeply and yet I hurt someone else. I pray hard and yet my prayers and not answered, not positively, nor negatively. Mom says that I am too simple and naive.. I know that I am like that, but i have tried to change myself and yet I have not been able to change myself. Is it possible to live life happily without ever hurting someone? and in the process hurting oneself? I did something which I thought is right. Yet other people perceive it as wrong. I still have searched myself and asked God if I am wrong, but I have never felt God tell me that and I still pray that God will show me if its wrong. My mamma was too harsh on me today. I know I have been foolish in telling others about this, And I really hate myself for that, but when I am sad and others ask me why I am sad I just can’t help it. Even if I were someone else I would have perceived this as something which is not right or okay.. but being in my own shoes I can never say that… Life is too hard and if its this hard when we are young itself, how hard is it going to get as it advances…. I still want what I wish as long as God does not show it to me as something wrong and there is only one way for that.. I’d have to wait… and personally i don’t mind waiting.. but it goes hard on others and therefore on myself also. I am just lost and saaad….Then again I thought and asked God why its so hard.. well, then again I got the answer that getting something which we wish deeply and something which is precious is never been easy. And besides I had already known that if I decided to pursue this life was going to be hard. so why then complain when I was ready to bear this all. Thats what I was wondering. But my fear is that I will take all the trouble and ultimately not get what I wish for so deeply. Thats what I can’t imagine and what I really would not be able to bear. Giving up seems so easy and it I can’t do it. I guess I have to take my risks and follow my heart and wish. I am weak, most of the time it seems God is not with me.. but more with mamma in this, but if God does not understand my heart, who will? And so I will have to blindly trust that and continue leaning on him.. and am sure he can’t leave me in this state of heart and he has to comfort me and make me happy. After all I am his child too. Waiting is hard as it always has been, but somedays it feels too hard and its hardest when mamma never understands me and even if I express that sadness to her she fails to understand.. perhaps the only way is to stop worrying about that.. yet I never wanted all this to happen… but it is all happening.. when will I know the answer to the “why” of all this?